As the infamous Diana Ross would say, "I'm coming out I want the world to know Got to let it show!" I've been in a serious funk lately. And when I say lately I mean for the past three years!! I"m not really sure what caused it, where it came from, or what it was about but I definitely felt it! I think I just started to feel sorry for myself. I'm basically a stay at home mom but I do have a part time job in the mornings at the YMCA. My job is in the child care which was perfect because I was able to bring my lovely ladies with me every day when I went in. After a while though I start to notice all of the true life "Stay at home moms" who have all morning to commit to classes and the fitness center. I started to envy them, which I am not proud of! I kept telling myself that the only way I could make time for the gym is if I was a full time stay at home mom. And so that was it, I made my mind up. Because I had to be in work for 3 small little hours every morning I wasn't going to make time for fitness and exercise. And so came the 30+ pounds that I lost after having lovely lady #2. So obviously that was the root of it all. With all weight gain comes some form of depression, which I really just like to call a funk in my case. I still acted happy, it wasn't hard to get up in the mornings so I don't feel as though I was really depressed, but definitely not myself. I haven't been myself for so long that I'm not even sure I know who "myself" really is. Lovely Lady #1 came when I was only 18 years old. She definitely wasn't written in my planner but i rearranged my schedule and managed to pencil her in! :)
Life didn't stop, so I wasn't going to stop either. I continued my then full time job at a local Christian childcare center and worked up until my due date. After she was born I decided to stay at home full time because day care prices were expensive and the one I worked at didn't offer infant care. That didn't last very long, money got extremely tight so i contacted my old job and asked if I could come back with higher pay. She said YES! It was very bittersweet because I would have to leave lovely lady with a stranger! I shopped around a little and found the perfect fit for her. She started when she was about 3 months old. Things were finally starting to look up for us! And then on her 1st Birthday I found out about lovely lady #2!
This time, I panicked! I quit my job when I was three months pregnant! No rhyme or reason, just pure fear of life. I was only 20! How in the world was I going to raise two babies?! My Handsome man, fortunately, was older and established and ready for it all! But that doesn't mean that it made it any easier for me to accept. All my life while everyone was dreaming of being a doctor, or lawyer, or teacher, I was dreaming of being a mom. But when reality strikes and its about to happen wayyyy earlier then you ever anticipated, you get a little panicked and start to second guess it all. In the end, she ended up being pretty cute so we decided to keep her! :) Thank god for all of the family support we had! But......back to my funk!
Years went by, My lovely ladies are now 7 and 5 1/2! I'm happily married to my Handsome Man, and things should be super for me. I should be yelling from the roof top about how happy and wonderful life is! Because it is! But along the way, I feel like I just put myself on the back burner on HIGH. My looks went downhill, my weight, my motivation. I do fun things with my kids but at the end of the day I felt like I wasn't really there. I want to take more time to actually enjoy them. And feel happy about it all! And to do that, I need to make more ME time, even if it can only be 45 minutes a day, I need time for excercise, and time to discover who I am or who I want to be. What do I want to do with my time now that they are in school? I want to be remembered, and talked about. I want to inspire others! So today begins my year long journey, that is if December 21st doesn't wipe us out first! If it does then today begins my 2 month journey to happiness! Being cleaner, more organized, creative, weighing less!, and putting that smile back on my face, that I left behind a few years back!
And with that, the treadmill that my handsome man bought me a few months back is calling my name! Lets get this party started!
No comments:
Post a Comment