Letting go...In hopes of starting again....
Letting go of someone is one of the hardest things to do in life. I've never really experienced it much in the relationship kind of way, but I lost the first man I ever loved to alcohol. I lost him first when I was about ten, I didn't realize he was gone at that point, because in reality he was still there. I saw him every morning and kissed him goodnight every night before bed. He was still "there". As I grew a bit older, I started to see a little less of him. Partially because I was a teenager and didn't want to be around but mostly because he lived in his bedroom. He got up every morning and went to work somehow but there was constantly alcohol zipping through his blood. There would never again be a day where I would see him sober.....It started in his coffee, then with a few hidden bottles in his car on lunch break, a few beers when he got home to pretend he was having a normal drink like lots of men do after a long day at work, and then up to his room to eat dinner and sit in front of the tv until the bottle in the closet knocked him out.
I still kept a good relationship with him. I knew he was in there still somewhere. I took advantage of him a lot too though, I knew he would say yes to anything I asked him so I played it up. I went straight to him even though I knew mom would be completely against it. This is how life went on for quite some time. In all honesty I have very few memories of how things really were at that point in my life. Probably because he was always in his room, but I still search and try really hard to find those memories. It never fails though, when I look for them I always think of the bad things. The many times he left us on vacations.... on Boardwalks, at waterparks, amusements parks, restaurants.....I remember feeling like we were doing something wrong, that he didn't want to be with us. I knew he just wanted to get away to get his next drink but I didn't understand when I looked around at all the happy families....why...?
When I turned 16 I got into a relationship with a much older man. He seemed to perfect to be true. It was pretty secretive at first because it was 11 years older then me and I figured he could get into a lot of trouble because of it. Somehow it got out to his ex girlfriend and she immediately called my mother. I was beyond embarrassed by this and although she had her own inclinations about it she lost her cool a bit when it was confirmed. I couldn't stay away from him though, I finally felt love for another man. I could feel his love, I knew he cared and would always keep me safe. He was the man I needed in my life. So for the first year, we snuck around. Any chance we could get. He was judged. Big time. He lost friends and lost respect from many people. But he stayed with me.
After that first year though, I started to see a different man. He started to remind me of my dad. And not too long later....I realized why. He too was an alcoholic. He would lie cheat and steal from anyone. He was very different from him yet so much the same. I stuck by him, through many tough times, because through it all I could still somehow feel that he loved me. His alcohol addiction lead to drugs, which led to money problems. He eventually hit rock bottom.....But in between all of this....we had a baby. I was 18. As if my world wasn't already unclear with a dad who was never around and a boyfriend who went on 5 day binges...I was now 18 with a child to care for. But I did it...I stepped up to the plate. I stuck by this man still....My mom called me one night after I got done putting the baby to bed. She sounded very calm but you could hear the panic and pain in her voice. "Your dad tried to kill himself tonight".....I knew he was troubled and I knew things were bad...but I never expected to hear that. He had so much to live for...so many people who loved him. I immediately went to be with her. Not knowing at all what would come next. Dad was put on a 32 hour watch...but then released.
That was it, my mom fought with the rehab facility tooth and nail explaining to them how bad his problem was, begging them to help him and her. He had five kids who needed him. But there was nothing they could do....because Insurance wouldn't cover it......After that mom told dad he had to move out. She couldn't have him around her children anymore. So he went off to his moms who thought that he was nothing less then perfect and that my mom was the crazy one making up all these nonsensical stories....She would soon find out the truth.
So dad left me again when I was 19. Although he was still close, him and my mom were through...he left a wife with 5 kids and a grandchild. He left all of his responsibilities behind for the booze. So of course this pushed me even closer to the other man in my life. I was bound and determined to prevent him from ending up like my dad. I barely left his side. This was when the rock bottom got really low. I was forced to move back home in fear of my daughter getting caught up in the middle of this. I was now, however, 7 months pregnant with baby number 2. And although I moved home with mom, I still never gave up on him. I bent over backwards doing everything in my power to try and help him.....
And so, one night, on November 14th 2006 I answered the phone when he called. He told me he was ready to get the help he needed. He was three sheets to the wind, but I went to him and I put him in my car and I took him to the ER. He tried to walk out many times but finally got taken back in a room and willingly stayed. We had to stay there for hours upon hours before they could actually transfer him to a rehabilitation center because he had to be sober to do so. Once he was finally sobered up they confirmed that he was willingly going into rehab and had him sign paper after paper. He had to be transferred to another hospital about 30 minutes away which is where they had their drug and alcohol rehab center. So we said our goodbyes and he told me he'd call me first thing in the morning to let me know how the first night went. It was 3 am the next day by this point. I remember on my ride home how excited I was to talk to my dad. I couldn't wait to tell him about the night before. I was sure that if he knew Mike could do it that it would encourage him to get help as well.
At around 8 am on that same morning, as I was playing with lovely lady and barely able to keep my eyes open from my late night, I heard the sound of my moms heels beating against the pavement. They sounded troubled....if that even makes any sense. Without even hearing her voice or seeing her face, I knew something was wrong. She walked in the door and straight down the steps where we were staying. Her words were lost....she couldn't speak. Her face had a blank look.....Finally she spoke...."It's your dad"......"He died in his sleep..."
My dad left me for the third and final time when I was 20 years old. He died from a heart attack caused by an extremely high blood alcohol level....He died at almost the exact same time that my now husband checked himself into rehab. I never got to tell him. I never got to save him. He will never know my kids....He will never be at a birthday party, or dance recital. He wasn't there to walk me down the aisle or share the father daughter dance. He missed three of his children graduating high school. He will never see the beauty in my daughters eyes.
I cant say I know if I've actually ever gotten through it. I went through some phases of grief the denial, the sadness, the anger.....but I'm not sure I've fully accepted it. I had so many things going on that first year he was gone. Sometimes I feel like I just put it on the back burner and didn't care as much as I should have. Mike was successfully going through rehab, I moved back in with him, we welcomed lovely lady #2 into the world on January 31st of the next year. We got engaged! We both got new jobs....it was as if my life just went on as usual and his would never go on again.....
I talk about him to my girls...maybe not often enough. But as I said before I struggle to remember the good things about it. But I know there were so many good things about him. And it is so sad that he didn't see those good things in himself or in his life enough to stick around. He looked so peaceful at this funeral. Like he was finally home. He wanted to be with his dad so badly. And now he is... Its been almost seven years and I think that I might finally be able to accept this. I never really felt like I let his death hold me back...but I think that I subconsciously I did...
I think too often I try to pretend that I have no sadness in my life. I never went to school and talked about my dads problems. I hid behind a door just like he did...I would have loved to talk it over with someone, it would have made me feel so much better to know that I had someone to confide in. When things got rocky with Mike he would say and do such hurtful things, but I never spoke about them to anyone, I wanted everyone to think I had a picture perfect relationship. I still find myself feeling like that sometimes, if we have a big fight I put on my happy face and pretend to the world that I have no problems. I'm sure many people do this, we keep our personal life personal. But sometimes its good to get it off your chest. People might never see this post.....people might never respond....but I spoke it....I wrote it...I could tell a potentially large amount of people that my life isn't at all perfect. That its been through more heartache and tragedy then some people will ever see in a lifetime. Yes, my husband drinks again....not excessively...its not a problem anymore...though at any moment it could become one. I could end up like my mom and he could end up like dad. They say history repeats itself and I think I live my life in fear that it will.
I have struggled for far too long with this. Any time I'm away from him I'm wondering if something is happening that will trigger his addiction to come back. If he pulls up to the house 3 minutes later then normal I suspect things. I've trained my mind to be like this. Living with an alcoholic for years and then turning around and marrying one will do that to you. But until I learn to let go and let what will be...be....I will never do anything spectacular for myself.
So tonight, as I go to bed. I will thank god for another day, and I will ask for yet another chance. Tomorrow I will wake up without all of these extra worries. I'm okay with the fact that my dad is gone, for whatever reason he wanted it this way. I know that he was a good dad in his own ways. And I know that he looks down on my family and smiles. I will wake up tomorrow knowing that no matter how much I worry, if mike decides jump back on the wagon he will...there is nothing I can do about it. I need to live my life. I need to be able to love again. I spend so much time worrying about the people I love that I forget to actually love them. And I especially need to learn to love myself again. I wanted so badly to save my dad. I thought that he would listen to me if no one else. And because he didn't I feel like I struggled with finding love in myself. I should have said something different done something different....but god had a plan...and sometimes we wont understand that plan. But it's written in the stars.....and I'm okay with it. I've accepted it. And now, its time for me to build my life.
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
I love you dad. And I hope to see you again one day...But until then...Fly high free bird...fly high.
